Just in case you didn't know my last name

Sometimes you see articles about thieves that defy explanation. This could be one of them. Master criminal Kenneth Lane Holliday -- "alleged" may be a strictly legal term at this point -- perpetrated the perfect crime:

Staff Report Authorities say a man who stole money Tuesday from a Grand Bay convenience store left behind some incriminating evidence — his drivers license.

Kenneth Lane Holliday gave a clerk at the Korner Quick Stop on Old Pascagoula Road his license in order to turn on the gasoline pump and get gasoline at about 8 p.m., Mobile County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Kate Johnson said in a news release. A few minutes later, he came back in the store with a handgun and demanded money from the clerk. He took the money, Johnson said, but left behind his Alabama drivers license.

Johnson said Holliday fled the store in an unidentified vehicle. He was last seen driving east on Old Pascagoula Road, she said.

Unbelievably stupid, right? But, no, wait, there's an even more stunning development in the story:

Holliday is described as a 50-year-old white male, 5 feet 9 inches tall, weighing 170 pounds, with blue eyes and blond hair. He was wearing a red University of Alabama
T-shirt during the robbery. Johnson said the clerk was able to identify Holliday because he frequents the gas station and "is on a first-name basis with the clerk."

Flabber. Gasted.

Galactically Stupid

When I read about events in real life, sometimes a line from a favorite movie will pop in my head that encapsulates it for me. From Top Gun, "The defense department regrets to inform you your sons were killed because they were stupid," was such a line regarding this stunning story:

LEBANON, Maine (AP) ― Two teenage girls sunbathing on a railroad trestle lost limbs when a train came upon them unexpectedly in this New Hampshire border town, police said Wednesday.

The girls were lying on beach towels on the trestle over Three Mill Pond when the train rounded a corner and began braking and blasting its horn shortly before 11 a.m., said Lt. Gary Fecteau of the York County Sheriff's Department.

The conductor and engineer say they never saw the girls move, but their injuries suggest they tried to scramble away at the last moment, Fecteau said.

Destiny Phaneuf, 13, of Lebanon, lost her leg just below the knee; Rachel Brown 14, also of Lebanon, lost a foot, Fecteau said. Both were airlifted to Maine Medical Center in Portland.

The girls were cutting class and enjoying the sunny weather when the freight train came upon them, Fecteau said. There's no indication the girls were impaired by alcohol or drugs, or that their hearing was impaired by headphones, he said.

Phaneuf was unconscious when authorities arrived; Brown told police that the pair had fallen asleep while sunbathing, he said.

Once you get past the notion that this is indeed tragic (about two seconds), you realize that for the rest of their lives, if they were to give advice to a friend, that friend could be entitled to say, "Should we or should we not follow the advice of the galactically stupid!!!" (From A Few Good Men, for the newbies.) Classic.

Drunken Vader

I'm not going to lie; I think the following story should be entered into the cannon of Star Wars somehow. I love that they included the Jedi names. I love that the perpetrator was caught on a camera set up to recrod their lightsaber duels. And I love that the guy who dressed up as Darth Vader, got drunk, and assaulted some 'Jedis' can't remember a thing because he was so wasted.

HOLYHEAD, Wales (AP) -- A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a black garbage bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of Britain's first Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday.

Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27, attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones -- a.k.a. Master Jonba Hehol -- with a metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead Magistrates' Court.

He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael Jones -- or Master Mormi Hehol -- bruising his thigh, in the March 25 incident.

Unfortunately for Hughes, the incident was recorded on a video camera that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light saber battle.

"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached.

Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the best part of a 10-liter (two-and-half-gallon) box of wine beforehand. "He knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes' lawyer, Frances Jones.

District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered Hughes to pay £100 ($195) to each of his victims and £60 ($117) in court costs.Barney Jones, his brother Daniel and cousin Michael set up the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. It claims about 30 members.

Jedi is the faith followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 people -- 0.7 percent of the population -- listed Jedi as their religion.

The only thing that would have made that better would be if Vader had slurred some line from the movies. But, like the movies, I can read that story over and over and it just keeps getting better.

And for the hell of it, here's a reason why you should wake up every morning and thank James Earl Jones for existing:

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
Well, perhaps not drunk, but certainly the other two apply to this woman.

More Snippets from Resumes
Here's a few more quotes from resumes I've seen today:

"Troubleshooting network problems, resulted from problems that the users have with the software that they have access to."
"Constant interaction with the users, no matter how small the problem may seems."
"Which consists of 20000 local and remote clients."
"Assisted my supervisor in the development of new system images that had to be deployed."
"In some cases of emergency, I was responsible for building the system image from a pre-configured CD-Rom."
"Major: Computer Science & Electronics with a 2.5 G.P.A." (thanks for letting us know how crappy you did)

Sigh. This is a long day.

Resumes and More Resumes
Well, we've let some people go at the ol' company, and now we're sorting through a gaggle of resumes to fill the positions. You get all kinds of applicants, and last year I had to sort through 200 resumes and knock it down to about 10 candidates for review. In that time, I formulated my system for resume-dumping. Here are some rules I use:

1. Short and to the point will get you past the trash can.
   
2. Spelling or grammar errors of any kind will get you in the trash can. For god sakes get a buddy to proofread before you tell me about your 'compuper skills'. And switching tenses reminds me that I'm prone to do it in my own writing, and no one wants to be reminded of their own shortcomings.
   
3. Your snazzy font will not impress me.
   
4. Do not list work experience that has no relevance to the position at all (e.g., working at a Sunoco)
   
5. For the love of Jebus, do not waste my time with a cover letter. If I see one, I'll trash the resume without even looking at it.
   

When you have oodles of resumes to go through, these rules will eliminate about 65% of the load very quickly. Now, it's not all pain and drudgery. Every now and then you come across a jem that makes your day. Below is a cover letter we received here for an open IT position. We cried laughing for two hours thanks to this poor soul. I've reprinted it verbatim. Enjoy.

Dear Sir or Madam!

I am applying for a position of a Network System Administrator .

I am a mature , responsible, successful and ambitious. Even though I have just graduated from the University of DC, I have years of life experience behind me. I have received a Masters degree in international journalism froom The Moscow State University and a certificate in software applications from Bauman Technical College. I started working in the US in 1991 as a journalist.

In the year 2000 I decided to switch careers and get an American degree in computer science. I enrolled in the University of the District of Columbia and after 2 years of full time stufy I earned an A.A. degree in computer science and graduated at the head of my class.

I recognize that the University of The District of Columbia is not generally held in high esteem. However, I found my courses and teachers to be excellent. I feel that the UDC gave me the resources to be successful in the field of Information Technology.

I have lived independently since I was 16.To support mycelf, while I was a student, I worked as a bartender at Washington DC restaurants and hotels.
As you can see from my resume, I have always been hard working, my people skills are Excellent and I am driven to be successful in all that I undertake. I would appreciate an opportunity to interview for this position. Thank you for your consideration.

Master of the Obvious
Over the course of the last few months, I have encountered quite a few numbskulls who profess to have insight into certain movies which I hold dear. To their detriment, I'm afraid. Here are the prime examples:

Person: (to me) Did you know that Neo is an anagram for "One"

Truly a stunning revelation. But, the chart topper was this cherry of a conversation with a guy I've known for quite some time, just this week, said in complete sincerity:

HIM: You remember seeing Attack of the Clones?
ME: Yes...
HIM: You know that Senator guy? The old one?
ME: You mean Palpatine?
HIM: Yes! That's him. I'm telling you he's the evil one.
ME: (pause) You mean the guy behind it all?
HIM: Yes! Remember I told you this; he's the evil guy.
ME: (pause, gurgle, pause, stare, pause, wonder if I left the iron on, pause, attempt heat vision, pause) Interesting.

For those of you who don't get the above blasphemous irony, for shame.