The Last Word on Phantom Menace

[Or, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!]

Normally, I'm a pretty rational guy. On any given day at work, I can be counted on to logically and professionally handle a myriad of challenges, questions, and even general boobery. But sometimes the crap piles up, and it's time to start shoveling.

I got out my spade when I ran across an article found by The Force.net which immediately forced me to hold the gamma-induced rage in check. It also tells me what kind fuckwits -- yes, fuckwits -- work at E!. Apparently, they decided that not only was Star Wars: The Phantom Menace a bad 'sequel', but it is the worst sequel ever.

Okay, I'm going to take a breath here. I glanced at the entire list before going on, but that glance was enough to tell me that E! online is populated by a strong contingent of fuckwits, and very few editors. Unbelievably, they have The Color of Money listed as the Tenth-Worst Sequel Ever. This film happens to be a favorite of mine, and while I can say that it isn't the best film ever, it surely does not belong on this list. I'll go further to say that I was stunned that TCOM was #10. It's difficult to conceive of the movie in which Paul Newman won Best Actor as being total crap, but apparently the intern-boobs at E! know better.

Well, I didn't come here to write about The Color of Money. I came here to write about the number one crappiest sequel of all time. Over the last couple years, I've put up with a lot of people's opinions about this film, which I consider to be a standout edition to a wonderful series, and holds its own with some truly great (and equally misunderstood) movies from 1999 -- Fight Club (which has achieved cult status and is my choice for best movie of the 90's), American Beauty, and of course, The Matrix. These movies are the ones that many of the general masses don't 'get'. Not 'getting' a movie doesn't make it awful, it just makes it not your cup of tea.

Here's a short list of some things that I don't get: The Dave Matthews Band, movie musicals, Terry Gilliam films, Care Bears, divas, country music, lederhosen, coffee, and twizzlers. I'm not a fan of any of those things, and don't care to listen/eat/watch/wear (match appropriately, please) any of them. Taking Dave Matthews for a moment, I am not saying that these guys aren't talented musicians, but that their music does nothing to move me, nor do I find it remarkable. That doesn't mean that I think they are the worst band ever, but rather that I recognize that there is something missing from my cranium that others have which would have enabled me to see their genius. I don't have it, and I don't miss it. However, I'm not spiteful about it, or blockheaded. If you are a fan, congratulations. Well done. Just let me be.

Now, I'll take that sentiment and apply it to any of the above 1999 movies (Matrix: Reloaded, by the way, is in the same category). I get it. I love Phantom Menace. I think that it is a very deep, clever, and engrossing movie. Of course it has some flaws about it, but they are pretty minor (Jar Jar is a little annoying, but too fucking bad). And in no way does it deserve to the the worst sequel of all time. That is to say that, for instance, it is worse than Batman and Robin (which came in at #2 in E! brilliant poll!). In fact, I'll name some sequels that are clearly inferior to The Phantom Menace (note this list only refers to movies I have seen):
    Batman and Robin, Batman Returns, Superman III & IV, Jaws III and IV, Star Trek: Insurrection, Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom, Look Who's Talking Too & Now, Caddyshack II, Meatballs II, Teen Wolf 2, Fletch Lives, Police Academy III-VI, Grease 2, Another 48Hrs, and not least of all Breakin' 2: Electric Boogalo.

You don't like Phanom Menace? Fine. You like to read bad reviews and believe all the crap (i.e., shortcut to thinking for yourself)? Fine. Just tell me that it's the worst movie ever so I know which of you out there are the morons.
[end rant. Good night!]


DWD said...

I'm currently watching Star Wars IV-VI (Alderaan just was blown up as I type...) with my 9 year old and found your blog by googling the Obi Wan quote just out of curiousity to see what was out there. This is a nice site.

Star Wars ep. I is growing on me. I hated it the first time but it does get better. It is nowhere near the worst sequel of all time, that's for sure. How about "Smokey and the Bandit 2" and "Smokey and the Bandit III: Smokey Is the Bandit"?

Jeff Draper said...

Hilarious. I just found this blog the exact same way except that my son is 3 and his favorite movie is 'Star Wars The Claw Wars'.