Instead of reworking the CBS writers’ pitch department’s prose, let’s just examine their interpretation of Moonlight from their about page:
- Mick St. John is a captivating, charming and immortal private investigator from Los Angeles, who defies the traditional blood-sucking norms of his vampire tendencies by using his wit and powerful supernatural abilities to help the living.
Let’s tick off the list of blunders so far: Attempting to kill a criminal with fangs but failing and thus reveal himself to the criminal, check. Do a video interview on the internet and become a city-wide celebrity, check. Rescue drugged female foil and be seen getting stabbed and then when she awakens at HIS place hours later be STILL WEARING THE SAME BLOODSTAINED SHIRT WITH A HOLE IN IT, check. Visit old blind cop buddy who thinks he has aged like him, then give female reporter case file allowing her to track the buddy down and wonder why he thinks he’s that old, check. Should I be this offended they used the word “wit”? This irritation feels justified, like a well-simmered pot of football fan anger.
Let’s continue with the CBS description:
- In a life-altering twist of fate, Mick was "bitten" 60 years ago by his new bride, the seductive Coraline. Forever 30 years of age, Mick's as handsome and charismatic as the day he was "turned," and he eschews others of his kind who view humans only as a source of nourishment.
- With only a handful of like-minded confidantes for company, including the eternally young, wealthy and mischievous Josef, a hedge fund trader who relishes his uniqueness, Mick fills his infinite days protecting the living.
- One night years ago, a single act of kindness changed Mick when he saved a young girl's life, making him want to be a better vampire. Now their paths cross again and Mick develops a distinctive bond with Beth Turner, who has grown into a beautiful, ambitious Internet investigative reporter.
- Reconnecting with her unleashes feelings Mick knows he can't pursue without exposing that part of him that would make him a monster in Beth's eyes. As Mick lives between two realities, fighting his adversaries among the undead and falling in love, he discovers the mysteries and pleasures that a valuable life has to offer.
Anyway, with that premise, I can’t wait to get to this week’s episode, can you? I was going to describe it in detail, but the most important thing you need to know is that Beth (reporter hot chick) finds out that Mick is a vampire at the end. You see, Mick has been rehearsing how to tell her (mentally saying “I’m a vampire. Doesn’t sound good no matter how you say it,” at one point – there’s that trademark wit again!) but can’t quite tell her because he doesn’t want her to see him as a “monster”. He likes to use that word a lot, but I really haven’t seen much of it, unless you mean a well-dressed stalking dimwit who has in the space of two episodes managed to get shiv’d in the chest twice by two regular humans head on. Oh THAT monster!
So, Beth finally remembers him from her childhood (replete with memories of his vampire battle with his wife), and figures out he doesn’t age, and sees him saving another potential victim from a convicted felon by getting shot several times with a shotgun, and later happens upon him in his home where he is drinking blood out of a IV bag and drooling the red stuff. So what does she say? Yep. “What are you?” THIS IS AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST WHO MIGHT HAVE SEEN A VAMPIRE MOVIE, OR READ A BOOK. Did I mention she is VERY pretty. Clearly the line was meant to give him a chance to say “I’m a vampire,” but the writers really don’t need to sacrifice her brains so eagerly.
Favorite “huh” moment before that: Beth walks out of the warehouse after Mick had rescued the victim and she shot the felon in the face (nice!). She walks by a cop detective who is interviewing the victim, “So, Mick St. John shot Lee Jay?” Beth comes up to him and says, “No, I did,” then, dazed, walks off. Meanwhile the cop is yelling at her, “Hey! Wait! Come back!” and then gives up after she keeps walking. WELL SHIT I TRIED! WHAT ELSE CAN I DO??
At this point, this show is becoming my guilty pleasure because it is so inadvertently funny and ridiculous. So, yeah, I’m looking forward to this week’s episode. Vampires are better than any reality show.