Please pack your Bionic knives and go

I watched every episode of the short-lived series Bionic Woman. Now that it has been officially cancelled, I can mourn the loss of a show that had a lot of potential, but never really got its act together. True, the writers' strike couldn't have helped speed up the demise or the show, but the real problem with the show is it never figured out what it wanted to be.

Or, in the words of frequent guest-star Katee Sackhoff:

"The main problem with Bionic Woman is that if you get too many hands in the pot, no one can agree with what they're trying to make so you get a stew that's made of s--t."

Anytime I sense diorganization in a entertainment product, I find my "safe place" is to think about the brilliant Simpsons scene from Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie episode where the Executives try to get every single idea into one character:

At Itchy & Scratchy, Intl., Meyers has called a meeting of the writers (who look strikingly similar to the real Simpsons writers) along with Krusty and a female network executive.

MEYERS
I have figured out how to rejuvenate the show. It's so simple, you egghead writers would've never thought of it! What we need is... a new character! One that today's kids can relate to!

The writers look at each other, uncertain.

OAKLEY
Are you absolutely sure that's wise, sir? I mean, I don't want to sound pretentious here, but Itchy and Scratchy comprise a dramaturgical dyad.

KRUSTY
Hey, this ain't art, it's business! (to Meyers) Whaddya got in mind? Sexy broad? Gangster octopus?

MEYERS
No, no. The animal chain of command goes mouse, cat, dog. (to the writers) D-O-G.

WEINSTEIN
Uh, a dog? Isn't that a tad predictable?

EXECUTIVE
In your dreams. We're talking the original dog from hell.

OAKLEY
You mean Cerberus?

EXECUTIVE
(pause) We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.

KRUSTY
So he's proactive, huh?

EXECUTIVE
Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.

WRITER
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?

MEYERS
Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky dog; I dunno, something along the line of say... Poochie, only more proactive.

Meyers, Krusty and the network executive leave.

OAKLEY
So, Poochie okay with everybody?

WRITERS
Yeah...

Later, an animator, draws a sketch of a dog for Meyers, the Executives, and Krusty...

MEYERS
No, no, no! He was supposed to have attitude.

ANIMATOR
Um... wh-what do you mean, exactly?

MEYERS
Oh, you know, attitude, attitude! Uh... sunglasses!

EXECUTIVE
Can we put him in more of a "hip-hop" context?

KRUSTY
Forget context, he's gotta be a surfer. Give me a nice shmear of surfer.

EXECUTIVE
I feel we should rastafy him by ... ten percent or so.

Silverman redraws Poochie. They're still not totally satisfied.

MEYERS
Hmm... I think he needs a little more attitude.

Silverman blackens in Poochie's sunglasses.

EXECUTIVE
Oh yeah, bingo. There it is, right there!